Saturday, January 16, 2010

if wishes were stitches, i'd be covered in scars...

there are times when indulging in nostalgia is a very bad idea.  and then there are times when it makes you remember the excitement of learning who you really are in the grand scheme of things.  it can remind you of  friends you may have lost touch with, the things you really loved, and no longer make  time for, and it can re-inspire you to go for what you want.
in the past, after a session with the yearbooks, or the photo albums, i have found myself wishing that things had turned out differently.  not the big things of course...  i am happy with who i married, and my job.  but the little things,  like wishing i had kept up with my writing.  or wishing i had stayed in better touch, or even just been a better friend while i was in touch with people.  i would be embarassed remembering things that i had said or done, or that had happened in the past.  in fact,  the odds are, i am the only  one who remembers them. 
but last night, i let the nostalgia inspire me, rather than depress.  i reached out to people i care about, but haven't spoken to in a long time,  and i feel refreshed in my creative efforts.  there is so much about who i was that i have been missing, while mostly not even realizing it. 

and so, to a certain extent, looking backward has made it possible for me to look forward with new enthusiams.  i can't wait to see what the future holds.

posted by tangeria @ 3:06 PM   0 Comments

Sunday, January 3, 2010

i'm bringing andi back...

every year, at about this time, i tend to get a little stir-crazy.  i think it has to do with the ending of the holiday season, which, love it or hate it, does tend to take up a lot of time, and attention.  add to that the fact that spring is still several months away,  and you have a recipe for the the winter crazies.  (at least I  do.)
there is so much focus that is put on "starting fresh",  "starting your diet", blah, blah, blah, and so on, and so forth, i sometimes like to just chill out, and look at vacation pictures. 
now, vacation pictures are a strange thing.  being forced to look at anyone else's is like a trip to the endodontist without insurance and the benefit of an anesthetic.  but your own  pictures are the most interesting and memorable pictures of all time.  
i have been very lucky to have wonderful vacations in the last several years.  i have more pictures than i care to admit (and most of them i took of myself.  hey, if i don't do it, who will?)  but looking at them today, did more than just remind me of what a great time we had.  it reminded me of who i was becoming then,  who i wanted to be, and how  i have kind of let that me slip away lately. 
some of that has to do with weight of course.  i have perfected the art of yo-yo dieting, and to be honest, i am pretty sick of it.   some of it has to do what i think people want from me, and expect from me.  and part of it has to do with what i thought it meant to be a responsible adult.  well, thank goodness i have snapped out of that  particular misconception.  
so my plan, as of now, is to find the picture that i think best shows the real me.  happy,  creative, fully in the moment, and not worried about what everyone else thinks.  i will print out a copy and keep it with me,  as a kind of personal reference map, to keep in touch with where i want to go.  i know i can do it, because i already have.  and of course, i have the pictures to prove it.

posted by tangeria @ 9:42 PM   0 Comments

Saturday, January 2, 2010

in the coming year, i vow to think for myself...

but for right now, i am totally going to copy Aunt Becky from over at Mommy Wants Vodka because she is made of the awesome, and i want to be just like her, except like myself, and also this does a pretty  good job of summing up 2009 somewhat painlessly.  so, thanks Aunt Becky, and while it probably won't be the last time i copy you,  i will try to "restrain" myself in the future...

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
 started a hobby (photography)  that i actuallly take seriously.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i have quit making resolutions, because i keep breaking them.  when they are so unrealistic it is like setting yourself up to fail. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousin, and it seems every one (female at least)  that i went to high school and college with.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
self-confidence and the ability to push outside my comfort zones, and enjoy it.

6. What countries did you visit?
oregon and san diego probably don't count, right?

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
december 15, when my dad's best friend (and someone who was a second dad to me growing up)  passed away unexpectedly at the age of 59.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
following through with my photography and actually entering shots in a judged contest. ( it was the county fair, but still...there were a lot of other photographers involved.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
it sounds shallow, but after losing 30 pounds and vowing to never get to that weight again, putting it right back on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
just the usual sniffles and series of cuts and bruises i live with as one of the klutziest people i know.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
i have been expanding my library at home by buying the library discards ( i think i am over 500 books or so now, and i MUST HAVE MORE!!!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my family is completely awesome, and this feels like the first year i have been able to relate to them as an adult, with my own set of ideals and issues, and no judgement on their part.  ( maybe that is more about me, but i sill want to celebrate them.)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
most celebrities, sports figures and others in the public eye who "go mad with power" and quit living like responsible human beings.

14. Where did most of your money go?
books, music for my shuffle and photography stuff.  and also shoes. and snacks.  and makeup.  i may have a slight spending problem.  good thing i get an allowance...=)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
photography.   and harry potter.  because really.  i am always excited about harry potter.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
the first one that came to  mind was Lady GaGa's Pokerface, but for a song i actually like, MGMT Electric Feel.  (oooh, once i get started, i can't pick just one...)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? depends on the day.

ii. thinner or fatter? right back where i started.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer after enormous dog surgery bills and several unwarranted attacks by the IRS., but we are slowly recovering.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
following through.  like when you say, "i would like to go see the palouse falls",  making actual plans to do so.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
doubting myself, and thinking i was not "enough".  you know, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i try not to plan things that far in advance....

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
I’ll make up my own question here, then. Hmmm.
Name one random thing that people would be surprised to know about you.

i am more or less afraid of the dark in my house, and if i have to get up to use the bathroom at night, i will take my ten pound little dog with me as protection.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
yes, with photograpy, which sounds pretty shallow, but really, has opened up whole worlds for me.

23. How many one-night stands?
as a happily married lady, none, but i did have few clandestine encounters with vanilla ice cream, peanut butter and chocolate syrup.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
still the x-files.  and pushing daisies, but i can't remember if that was '09 or '08.  oh well.  however you look at it, i'm stuck in the past.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
probably, and i probably feel guilty about it, and have blocked it from conscious memory.

26. What was the best book you read?
ummm, i can't really answer this, because in september alone i read over thirty books.  it is too hard to pick one, and also, kind of too hard to remember everything i have read recently. 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
emilie autumn, because there is very little that is as cool as electric violin, and harpsichord.  especially when she does traditional classical "with a little pepper" on it.

28. What did you want and get?
a dishwasher.  and it is heavenly...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
julie and julia.  it was inspiring, in that it motivated me to get off my  butt and do something with whatever i have a passion for.  even if it is just for me and my family.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned thirty, and my husband willingly sacrificed his machismo to have a couple's manicure and pedicure.  and what is more.... he LIKED it.  and i thought it was totally awesome too.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if we are going for the material stuff, and new digital slr camera with zoom lens package and a carrying case.  but mostly a new boldness in living. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
i never should have watched the "what not to wear" marathon, because it led to throwing away all of my favorite "interesting" clothes in favor of a more polished "adult" wardrobe, and now i feel like a soccer mom, and my spirit dies a little more each day.

34. What kept you sane?
my husband (although sometimes he was driving me the other way), my family, photography and books.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i hate to say it, because it makes me feel like a dirty old lady, but taylor lautner, after the campaign to come back for new moon.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
there is a rule in my house, so i can have a happy marriage. no politics.

37. Whom did you miss?
my younger brother.  he moved away, and i really just wish he was here instead.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
i guess i don't get out much, because i can't think of anyone...

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
get off your butt and do something.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
doubt thou the stars are fire,
doubt thou the sun doth move,
doubt truth to be a liar,
but never doubt i love...

emilie autumn  Opheliac

and it has the added benefit of being shakespearian, from hamlet's letter to ophelia


posted by tangeria @ 9:56 AM   0 Comments