Monday, November 23, 2009

not to be a "debbie downer", but...


when i was in high school, and college, i had great plans for my life. i was going to be a poet, and i was going to hobnob with artists, and live in a garret, and starve so prettily, and artistically, and just be "oh so bohemian", and blah,blah,blah. i was going to travel, and try new things, and eat exotic foods, and what is more, i was going to like them!


what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened to me? i used to be able to stay up until all hours of the night, (aka was a total insomniac) and wrote, and "sketched" (aka doodled) and was creative, and most of all, thoughtful and engaged in my life.


lately though, it is like my mind just stopped. i put so little effort into anything lately that i am pretty sure my brain has atrophied into something the consistency of rice pudding. (but without raisins. i HATE raisins.) i make tuna casserole on a regular basis. an exciting night's entertainment involves tv shows about the paranormal, with the occasional wedding planning show thrown in. (even though i have been married for three years now, and as far as i am aware, will not be marrying again, any time EVER.)


i should probably blame it on my thirtieth birthday, which was almost a year ago, and i am still experiencing the mental fall out. i just seem to have realized, that while the girl i was in college was an extremely troubled individual, there is a lot about her that i miss. for whatever reason, i was able to be more true to myself, and less hung up by my many and varied fears then. i was creative. i went places on my own. i didn't need constant company, and entertainment. i enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. I HAD THOUGHTS!


i think the girl i was would think very little of who i have become.


and so, i am resolving to try to recapture the best parts of who i was and wanted to be. no more caring what others think of me. so what if they don't get it, and would rather be bitten by rabid squirrel that look weird, or less than put together, or act out a little bit.

if it makes me happy, and isn't illegal, i am going to try to just get in the habit of going for it.

that is, as long as it doesn't involve sports, things flying at my head or going really fast on a motorized vehicle. after all, some fears are good things.

posted by tangeria @ 9:58 PM  

2 Comments:

  • At November 26, 2009 at 12:01 PM , Blogger tangeria said...

    okay, i am a total nerd for commenting on my own blog, but i had to make sure this worked. YAY!!!

     
  • At December 7, 2009 at 4:56 PM , Blogger gypsy.rose said...

    hey. i just discovered your blog and i think its the bee's knees! this post reminds me sooooooo much of myself and the way i've been feeling lately. like, as i've gotten older, i've sorta stopped believing in like, the "magic" of things. but you know what? there was never any reason to stop believing in it in the first place, so fuck it- you are a poet! and you do have thoughts! and i enjoy reading them! so there!
    love,
    gypsy

     

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